Preparing for baby no.3: Starting to Panic!

I've found that with each pregnancy, time seems to move faster and faster.I'm 20 weeks pregnant this week. It's been 15 weeks since I found out I was expecting baby number 3 and I can hardly tell where the time has gone. If the last 15 weeks can move so fast, it stands to reason that the next 15 can too. There are plenty of things coming up in the next few months to help the time fly by faster as well. For instance, Halloween, my birthday, Christmas, New Year, mine and Mr. M's first wedding anniversary AND Valentine's Day all pop up before my due date, along with various other family birthdays and the prospect of a last minute holiday thrown in there too.

Realising all this has left me feeling a little bit panicked. With Mr. M being away with work, I'm also doing his share of the parenting too. Let me tell you, wrangling two small people single-handedly is a full-time job in itself! With so much going on, when am I ever going to have time to prepare for this baby?! I'm already 20 weeks; what if the baby comes early? What if the SPD I'm suffering rather badly with at the moment leaves me housebound and on crutches like last time? What if I get so caught up in whatever else is going on that I forget to buy something as essential as a car seat and I only realise when I want to take my newborn home?! Granted, that last worry is unlikely to happen, but still!

I've decided to put my organised hat on and MAKE A LIST. Or rather, several lists. I have lists for general baby must-buys, then more in depth lists with possible items, where they're from and how much they cost. I have a list for my hospital bag and one for baby's hospital bag even though I won't be packing them for another 10 weeks or so. I've even made a list of baby items I've seen recommended on YouTube or parenting blogs, just to see if any of them are worth me purchasing. All this may seem a little over excessive but to me, it's all completely necessary!

I am a worrier and an overthinker so all this is done in an effort to keep myself from stressing out too much. And check back, because I'll be posting more details about some of my efforts to prepare for this baby in future posts, along with hauls and other baby related stuff.

N x

Staring

It's 1:53am and if I had any sense, I'd be asleep right now. Shosha will be awake in 5 hours, and I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow. I should be well away to the land of nod by now.

Instead, I'm sat here in bed, staring at a snoring small person beside me.

I've been staring at her for ages now.

I can't seem to stop.

How is it that this tiny human holds my attention so magnetically?! She's not bothered. Like I said, she's snoring away, blissfully unaware that her mad mother is eyeballing her like a loon.

I guess this is just another one of the things you aren't really told about when you're pregnant. "Sleep when your baby sleeps," people will say. "You learn the value of a good night's sleep when you have a baby," you'll be told. And yes, that is true, because it's something you'll find yourself willing to pay dearly for. But you'll also find yourself wasting many opportunities to sleep just watching your child as they do.

At first it's a wary, paranoid vigil. You find yourself not only watching to see if their chest is moving as it should, but you'll feel the need to rest your hand on them so you can feel it as well. Or you'll lean over to feel their breath on your cheek.

Then you'll find yourself peering at them as you check on them in the late evening. Not wanting to make a sound that may wake them, but not yet used to the concept of them being asleep so far away, even though they're only upstairs and you've got one of those fancy movement detecting/video/digital wifi baby monitors.

Next you'll reach the stage I'm at. The staring stage. That's all you do. You just stare. The initial newborn paranoia is fading, a routine has started to emerge and your confidence as a parent is growing. You stare at your gorgeous little one, all tranquil and serene, and you're just about ready to explode with love. I don't know how long I've spent staring at my sleeping son and daughter over my 2-and-a-bit years as a mother. I bet it's a good while though.

Finally, as your child grows, you stare less. They're in their own bed, in their own room, and they're starting to lead their own life. But, still, you check on them before you go to bed, covering them once more with the blanket they've kicked off the bed while they sleep. Maybe you kiss them softly on the forehead, though they'll never know you did. Even as they grow in independence, you're there, watching over them.

Right now, Arri looks so content and happy. And this makes me so proud. Even if my days are filled with the stress and doubts of my own parenting abilities, seeing my baby sleeping peacefully reassures me that yes, I'm doing a damn good job. My children are happy, safe and loved.

That's something I'll happily lose sleep over.

My Favourite Time of Day

As I close the door, and try and shut the safety gate without making too much noise, I allow myself a sigh. I feel my shoulders relax, I didn't even know they were tensed, and I smile a little smile. I can hear the faint sound of 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' playing through the door and I stop for a minute and listen.

It's 7 o'clock in the evening and in that moment, there is peace.

The moment is fleeting. Reality soon snaps back into focus and I run through my to-do list for the evening. I have to nurse Arri, tidy Shosha's toys away, do the dishes, get Shosha's bag ready for crèche the next day, make Geth's lunch for the next day, feed the cat, do laundry/wash nappies, nurse Arri again, and at some point hopefully get some sleep.

So much to do, but for those few moments just after Shosha has gone to bed, I can just enjoy being. It's my time to reflect and be thankful for the family that I have. My loving, kind, wonderful partner. My incredible, smart, beautiful children. 

Even when I'm worn out, when myself and Geth are bickering, when Shosha is testing my patience and when Arri is being extra demanding, taking that time allows me to truly appreciate them all. This short lull in my hectic day allows me to refuel. 

Because Heaven knows, with a to-do list like mine, I need it!